Describing what massage is….badly

Describing what massage is….badly

Recently a Facebook poster asked the question of the massage profession “how would you explain massage…badly”

Needless to say many of the responses were very good and an edited selection is listed below under the various categories.

Gratuitous Violence

I get paid to beat people up.
People pay me to beat them up with my elbows.
I torture people until they feel better.
People ask me to hurt them.
I get paid to make people scream and moan…and they thank me after.

Naked (and afraid….?)

I make naked people happy
I tell total strangers to take off their clothes and I’ll be right back
I make people go into a dimly lit room and tell them to take their clothes off
I do vigorous activities in small rooms with naked people
I flail my arms mercilessly all over naked people
I rub and knead naked folks for dead presidents
I get paid to listen to music while people sleep near me naked. In order to not be bored I apply oil to their dry skin

Butts, butts, butts

I touch butts
I stick my elbow in people’s butts all day
I get my face uncomfortably near peoples butts for money


I rub bunions
I glide across all your blackheads
Cosmic ironing
I iron suits…birthday suits

We do what your partners don’t??

You pay me and I will hurt your partner
I touch you more than your partner
I touch you because your partner is too tired to

Feeling sleepy?

I put people to sleep
I quietly yell at people to “Relax” hit them if they don’t
I tuck grown ups in for nanna naps
I merge my entire being into someone else’s to rearrange the patterns of their movement while encouraging them to stay asleep

Random Offerings

I put hands on people and don’t get arrested
I pet people and listen to their problems
I send chils down your spine and make you purr
I knead things that aren’t dough, for dough
I place you on my altar and dance around you whilst listening to spiritual music
I stare at the clock
Laundry…I do laundry
I walk around the same table for 17 years

But probably my favourites are:
It’s like WWF where I win every time
I get people naked before the first date

Please feel free to add any suggestions in the comments.

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